Adoption is an unusual family arrangement, and inevitably, it sparks curiosity. (Examples in television and social media prove this point!) For some adoptive families, there is no hiding. Any time their family appears together, it is clear they are not brought together by biological connection. For others, this reality is hidden, and so they have a bit more respite before questions appear.
But the questions always do appear, in one form or another.
“Where is she from?”
“Are any of your children related?”
“Do you know anything about his real parents?”
I was once sitting in the midst of a pleasant group conversation at a baby shower when someone casually asked whether one of my children had experienced sexual abuse.
In general, I assume the best of people, and this post is not meant as a verbal rap on the knuckles to anyone. It is rather meant to invite people who do not live in the reality of adoption to become more familiar with how these interactions work for those who do.
At the outset, it is good to keep in mind a simple fact: being suddenly asked to focus on oneself and one’s family, being asked to become the topic of conversation—especially conversation with a stranger—creates a kind of burden. Some people (those who are more introverted or private) feel the burden keenly. And for children, an inquiry into the fundamentals of their own life story is simply never a good idea. It engenders an unhelpful kind of self-consciousness; it treats their lives as an object for examination. So, a first principle: do not inquire about details of an adoption at all in front of the children who have been adopted.
Given what is at stake here for adoptive families, in fact, it would always be good for inquirers to take a crucial step before saying anything at all: they should ask themselves about their own motivations. If the goal is simply satisfaction of curiosity, again, my advice is to say nothing at all. In situations where the goal is to offer encouragement and support to a family, a simple sentence will suffice: “You have a beautiful family.” The motivation that is most supportive of adoptive families? A real desire to get to know them and their story so that you can better extend friendship and offer support.
This leads us to another principle: the relationship within which comments are made or questions are asked is everything. One more simple rule: don’t make adoption the first step in getting to know someone. The questions that make most sense with other families–”Do you live near the school?” “Does your child have any siblings?”--work best here, too. It is then, in the context of that fundamental sense of connection, that it may make sense to inquire further.
Here, there are more principles that can help lead the way. In general, the questions that make most sense are ones clearly linked to present circumstances and to your goal of support. “How long has your child been with you?” “Are you finding support as an adoptive family here at church?” Much more fraught are questions have to do with the circumstances under which a child was separated from her birth family. This is information that adoptive parents often hold with great care, and if they want to share it, they will. If anything, in the context of an already established friendship, if may be possible to say: “I know adoption can be complicated. I’m interested to know, though, if there are details of this adoption that you are sharing.”
Lists of suggested terms always run the risk of being pedantic, but here is such a list, nonetheless, just for clarification of confirmation.
Adoptive families do not say that a child was “put up” for adoption. This is a holdover from much older circumstances. Children are “placed,” either by their birth families or by an agency.
Adoptive families do not speak about “adopted children” and “real children,” as if their adopted children are imaginary. In our family, we simply speak about our children, “all of whom came to us by adoption.”
Adoptive families often avoid using “adopted” as an fundamental, defining adjective altogether. They don’t say “our adopted son” and they may avoid saying even “John is adopted,” preferring to say that he “came to our family via adoption.” The goal here is not to assume that adoption is sole source of identity.
Adoptive families generally refer to “birth families (or mothers),” “first families (or mothers)” or “biological families (or mothers),” although, depending on circumstance, some simply refer to a child’s biological family as their “family.” One of our children, for example, was raised by birth family for many years, and still has regular visits now. She simply thinks of herself as having two “families.”
Not only in adoptions of older children, but more broadly, many adoptive families are moving toward recognizing the profound connections children have with their families of birth. For those looking in from outside, it is not helpful to assume that adoptive parents have simply replaced, and thus erased, and child’s biological family. This can vary a great deal, though, and so this is a place to allow adoptive parents to take the lead.
As children who have been adopted grow to adolescence and adulthood, of course, they rightly begin to have their own conversations. The principles above, though, continue to be relevant. The goal should be to offer support, rather than to satisfy curiosity.
Teachers, pastors, and other adults who instruct and care for children have a particular responsibility here. In any setting with multiple children whom you don’t know, consider the possibility that children in adoptive families may feel excluded when you assume that birth connects them to their parents. I have heard ministers teaching a group of children say, “Your mom remembers when you were in her tummy.” And any adoptive parent can tell you about the dreaded “family-tree” assignment, in which teachers assume that all children are genealogically connected to the parents who are raising him. In general, two things make all the difference here: First, begin with an awareness that adoption exists. Second, ask adoptive families for their insights and advice. They will often be willing to think with you to look for a creative solution.
This post is practical, not poetic. The reason to read it—and to share it—is simply the concern and care the reader has for adoptive families. For that, on behalf of ours and all adoptive families, thank you.
Thank you Holly! So many stories about this we could write a book!!